The song rang in my child’s voice as they picked up the phone call last Thursday. They were gleefully playing online with friends, just logging on after school. As my child (they/them) was posturing to say goodbye to me, they cried out. Their father had just arrived home from work, heard the laughter, and locked the computer. There is the summary of abuse: no joy, no laughter.
For what could have been an eternity, the twelve year old sobbed about how they didn’t understand why their father would lock the computer. It’s becoming all too frequent an occurrence to force the child — my child — to comply. Do what I say or else. My heart already broke for them; I was at a loss for words. From miles away, all I could do was listen and apologize. I hoped I could change the situation before they decided to run away or fall into other ways of coping, like self-harm or substance abuse.
Domestic violence — a pattern of behaviors one person engages in to maintain power and control over another — has a way of taking everything away. I experienced the same abuse, but I was old enough to get away. However, I wasn’t strong enough to take my child with me. I went back to my abuser too many times and let him take too much. By the time we appeared in court, I had exhausted all of my time, energy, and money. Because there was no documented physical abuse, and I struggled to survive, he gained physical custody.
While advocates and survivors have raised the public’s awareness, the legal system is far from caught up. While physical violence is illegal, some states have begun to criminalize the non-physical aspects of abuse as “coercive control.” Seemingly a win for victims, many abusers are already adept at using the system against them. The pattern of power and control can be very elusive and hard to put a finger on for those outside of it. Abusers can seem like completely reasonable people next to a victim, who is often in a deteriorated state when he or she gets to court. This means judges, most of whom don’t understand the nuances of domestic violence, are often left to decide who to trust on their own.
Just as I once faced a system that failed to protect me, my child now finds themselves at the mercy of the same forces. The cycle continues. I heard the spinning in their head coming out as feelings of being unsafe and unsupported. I related to their feelings of being helpless and alone. I came out the other end having lost my life purpose, my joy, and my ability to put one foot in front of the other. I refuse to let this situation determine my child’s future. Though the system does not yet fully recognize what we’ve been through, I won’t stop fighting for their safety, their joy, and their right to a life free of fear.
